Having a blah sort of day.
Probably just feeling sorry for myself.
Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself and I am not going to apologize for that .
I think everyone is entitled to that once in a while.
I am sitting here on my deck watching the planes take off and land from the airport. I wonder where all these people are going, or where they have been. Do they live in Calgary, or are they visiting family..
Its days like this that I feel like jumping on a plane and going somewhere. . Anywhere. Not sure what I would find when I get there, but it has to be more filling than being here. Sitting here. Actually I think it would be better to jump in the car and drive. That way I can take my little co-pilot with me.
Today I was driving in my car, no destination really, just needed to get out of the house. Even though I am always saying I don't like to be around lots people, sometimes the aloneness is overwhelming. So off I go in my car, heading north on highway 2. I figured a drive to Red Deer would be a nice distraction, Half way to Airdrie I thought I would to pop in for a visit with my mom so I gave her a call; she was getting ready for golf, she was leaving in 1/2 hour. I could tell by her voice that she didn't feel like having company even though I was only 10 mins from her house , so of course not wanting to impose I said my good byes and have a good day golfing.. So back to plan 1 Red Deer. I realize that I need gas to get there, so I pull off in Airdrie and fill up. I then realize that I have a package that my dad sent me at the bus depot and they closed @ 3pm. It was 230. So I head back to Calgary at warp speed to make sure I get there before 3pm.. Make it at 257.. .
By this point the feeling had passed about traveling so I head back home. Next time I feel nomadic I will make sure I am heading west towards the mountains. Would be a lot nice than Red Deer. Maybe tomorrow I will take a drive out to Banff..
Well that was a tangent.
I am supposed to be at a birthday party in 45 mins. I have decided I am not going. Its because of this mood that hit me like a tonne of bricks this morning. Don't want to be around people. Especially happy people. In situations like this I feel its best not to bring negative vibes into a place that is supposed to be happy. Its funny how that works.. Its more contagious than a cold. Doesn't take much to contaminate a whole room. So really I am doing them a favor by not going.
An air transit flight just landed. That is the second one that has landed in the last half hour. I wonder where it came from. I am thinking probably Mexico or Cuba.. Probably full of weary vacationers that overindulged for 7 days at an all inclusive, that will now need another week to recuperate from their vacation.
I have been thinking about how some people are meant to never be alone and some people are meant to go life relatively alone.
I know a lot of people that can't be alone. They always make sure that if one relationship is ending they have another lined up waiting in the wings. I am assuming this is because the fear of being alone even if its for a week or two is too frightening to contemplate. So they jump from one relationship to another without thinking. It doesn't seem to matter if the person they are jumping to is good for them, they just fill the void.
Then there are the people that find the 'One' and that's it. No more looking, just contentment. I do think that this is a rarity these days though..
Then there are those of us who seem to go through life in a state of oneness.
Fiercely independent.
I don't know if this is just our path to go through life alone, or if we are just too scared to let someone in.
Because if you let someone in you are opening yourself up.
Opening yourself up to be hurt, betrayed, rejected.. Abandoned.
I know there probably a lot positives on the other side of this coin, but the fear of the others far outweighs any possibility of the positives. And really if you haven't seen the positives how can you know that they are really there..?
So the easy path is taken . This path is not very rich but it is safe...
Well this post was a real downer. But such is life. Ups downs . .
M
1 comment:
Holy Moly, Bella, it sounds like someone shit in your cornflakes today. First off, today you've got the urge for going... I never thought I'd quote Joni to you, but when I was reading this, I immediately got these lines going through my head: " I get the urge for going but I never seem to go". It's weird syncronicity that you wonder about the planes. I do that all the time, and we always get these transatlantic flights go over us (don't know why we are on the route, but I know an air traffic controller dude at the air port here who says we are on the London - L.A. route or something). Anyway, when the sky is blue and clear, or the night settles in, and I see a plane, I wonder who is on it, where they are going, and why. And then *I* get the urge for going myself. I just get this yearning to hop in a plane and go somewhere - lol, I always imagine Denver or Santa Fe, I don't know why. Anyway, as Joni says in another song, "I am pourous with travel fever".
But anyway, I am going to post all the lyrics here to you for Urge for Going, because it's you sorta:
I awoke today and found the frost perched on the town
It hovered in a frozen sky, then it gobbled summer down
When the sun turns traitor cold
and shivering trees are standing in a naked row
I get the urge for going but I never seem to go
I get the urge for going
When the meadow grass is turning brown
Summertime is falling down and winter is closing in
I had me a man in summertime
He had summer-colored skin
And not another girl in town
My darling's heart could win
But when the leaves fell trembling down
Bully winds did rub their faces in the snow
He got the urge for going And I had to let him go
He got the urge for going
When the meadow grass was turning brown
Summertime was falling down and winter was closing in
The warriors of winter they gave a cold triumphant shout
And all that stays is dying and all that lives is getting out
See the geese in chevron flight flapping and racing on before the snow
They've got the urge for going, they've got the wings to go
They get the urge for going
When the meadow grass is turning brown
Summertime is falling down and winter is closing in
I'll ply the fire with kindling and pull the blankets to my chin
and I'll lock the vagrant winter out and bolt my wandering in
I'd like to call back summertime and have her stay jut another month or so
She's got the urge for going and I guess she'll have to go
And she get the urge for going when meadow grass is turning brown
All her empires are falling down
winter's closing in
OK, if you are still with me: Yes, it is good to have time to wallow or be in a funk, but I want to tell you this: If you do not want to be alone anymore, then you HAVE to let somebody in. And don't tell me that there is nobody to let in, because you do not let people get in - you have your defense mechanisms perfected to an art form and you hide behind them - you'll dog yourself about weight, or about not wanting to be crowded, or be upfront about how you don't want your space invaded, and whatever, but those are just excuses to fend off people. Don't be so scared of being hurt, because, not to talk in cliches, but you can't love if you don't want to feel the pain. Don't cocoon yourself. And know that Ms. Right isn't going to suddenly fall from the sky. Kiss a lot of frogs first if you have to. And yes, to respond to you before you even say it: yes, it is easy for me to say I suppose, since I am married and don't have to open up and be vulnerable to new people, but still, I am only saying this because I care - I'd love to see you paired up with someone wonderful. You deserve it. Now, today is another day. I've been quoting Liz Phair on my blog quite a bit lately, but I need to do it here, because the lyric that I say about myself is the same for you: "I am extraordinary, if you ever get to know me." You are. Remember that.
Now, get on lavalife or whatever posthaste.
And have a good Sunday.
xo
JT
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