OMG, its been 2 years..

I am sure there is no one left that is reading this since I haven't posted in 2 years... Crazyness. I remember the days when I posted daily. I guess life has taken over..

The last 2 years have definitely been too much real life. My personal life has been pretty stable, but there has been a lot of family stuff that has knocked the wind out of me.

You all know, and by You all I mean Rox and Rob what has been happening with my Dad and his heart attack 3 years ago, then the ensuing medical issues he had. All the drama with trying to find out what was going on with him, him not telling us the whole true about how sick he was.
Well he made it through the heart attack, Barely. With only 30% heart capacity, he seemed to be hanging on ok, as well as can be expected anyways, then last fall we found out (he knew for months before this) that he had bladder cancer. Well that started months of trying to find out how serious it was, waiting on biopsies, trying to get a straight answer out of Dad and Carole my dads crazy G/f. finally get a diagnosis that they were going to do a full bladder removal. Then it was waiting on the surgery date. Last November that was set, drove out to Prince Albert (where my dad lives) to pick dad up and take him to Saskatoon, and found him very sick. He ended up being admitted to the hospital in Prince Albert then was transferred to Saskatoon for possible surgery.. that ended up being cancelled b/c he was too weak.. so waiting game again.. new surgery is scheduled . That one ended up being cancelled indefinitely b/c apparently they just realized that he would not survive the surgery..

Really? they just realized after 8 months that his heart was that weak?? Give me a freaking break..

BUt on top of all this with my Dad's health, I had to deal with my family. Nevermind crazyass carole,,, dealing with my heartless Brother, and selfish sister has just about done me in.. they were more concerned with how dad's illness was negatively affecting both financially and time wise than how he was doing.. My brother even said at one point last fall 'I wish he would have just died when he had the heart attack.."....

Can you freakin believe that.? Well I guess it shouldnt' be a big surprise. .. he has absolutely no heart, only concerned with how it affects him and his family.

And then there is my sister who was more concerned about how much money it was costing to go to Saskatoon for the surgery etc. and how much money dad had, b/c she didn't want the burden of looking after him.... Seriously people.. get your priorities straight.

There was way more drama with Carole, but I don't have the energy to even type it,, her feeling sorry for herself the last year, blah blah... Glad to be done with her.

So anyways, this past March Dad was not doing that well, had sorta lost hope I think looking back. He ended up in the hospital again b/c his feet were apparently really swollen, so they admitted him. We didn't think it was really serious b/c he been in for worse before, but after a week or so of speaking with him in the hospital, he stopped taking calls from us. I checked with Carole and she said Dad told her to take his cell phone home, that he didn't want to talk.. Then she said she didn't think he was doing very good but with all the drama from before I just thought its Carole being dramatic.. turns out she wasn't b/c a couple days later we got a call that Dad had 'coded' , his heart stopped but his pacemaker kicked in. We got the call from the hospital and they said this happened but he was awake but had been moved to intensive care. I made plans to leave that morning but there were highway closures due to a storm.
I ended up leaving the next day, this was a Tuesday I think, Nicole and Randy had made plans to fly out on Wed and rent a car to drive to PA. About 2 hours into my drive I got a call from my mom saying that the hospital got a hold of Nicole and said Dad wasn't looking good, and we should come as soon as possible... That was the worst drive of my life. the roads were crappy, and I had 6 hours of highway in front of me. Nicole and Randy moved their flight up and would be in stoon by 2pm. I ended up meeting them just outside of Stoon and we followed each other to PA. When we got there the Carol was there with her useless daughter, and we found out what was happening. Apparently Dad was going into organ failure, liver , kidney b/c of his heart not functioning well enough.

He was not co-herent at all. Seemed to recognized us, but just wanted to get up and go home. I don't think he knew what was going on.. it was awful,, just like the heart attack but with no hope this time.. I still feel guilty about not trying harder to speak with him before he ended up in the ICU.. I hope he realized we were there...

Anyways, we spoke with the Dr and he confirmed Dad's wishes about his DNR order. We did, b/c Dad had that signed a while before when we got the power of attorney's done.. so Now it was just a waiting game.. a hard waiting game.

Of course in true form, Randy and Nicole's biggest concerns were about getting the banking stuff , laywer , and house stuff sorted out,. So they were running around town trying to get all this done b/c they had a flight on Friday.. My god, Dad wasn't even gone yet, and they were more worried getting a head start on the paperwork.

This is where it all got ugly.. Fwd to Thursday March 31st. We went back up to the hospital to see Dad, he was getting worse as far as being cognitive, and they had taken the monitors and oxygen off, waiting to move him to paliative floor. We stayed with him for a few hours, then left, b/c Randy wanted to go to Dad's banks to see if he could get authorization to the accounts. Again.. Not a priority on my part, but I agreed to go with them. SO we are driving down there, and I asked Randy to stop in to 711 to get a drink, he stops at the light in front of the 7-11 (on the street() and says Get out.

I am like.. what? He said get out, I am going to Starbucks (which was across the road), you can fucking walk over there and meet us.. !. I was totally floored and speechless that instead of just pulling in and dropping me off, that he actually kicked me out in traffic.. I got out, stunned and upset. He drove off to Starbucks with my sister in tow.. I was freaking out.. couldn't believe that out of no where he had gone psycho on me like that for no reason.. I started out walking back to my dad's house, (through the back roads of the hood).. crying like a baby. Got a call from my sister who wanted me to go back and go with them to the bank. I was like.. 'are you freaking kidding me. ?? I can't be around that asshole.'. she was also crying and said 'he shouldn't have done that'... I am like, no kidding.. but I am not dealing with him anymore. So I sobbed my way back to the house.. filled Carole in on the stupidity that is my family and called Tracie... it was so awful.

Later that afternoon, I called up to the hospital to see if Dad had been moved, he had so I went up to see him> In the meantime I spoke with Rob and told him what had transpired, and that I also got a text that my brother and my sister were at Winners buying an URN!??? Again he was even gone yet, and they had already swung by the funeral home and discovered how much Urns were and were out bargain shopping.. ended up buying an 8 dollar urn.... OMFG.

So I am now sitting with Dad, who is in what I would call a death room, it was at the end of the hall, with a sitting area outside the room, he wasn't hooked up to anything and was all alone.. I spent a long while just sitting there with him, talking, telling him what was going on with my life, that he didn't have to worry about anything at home, it was all taken care of.. I think he was understanding me.. I hope so. I asked him if he wanted to see Carole, and he nodded so I called the house and asked Carole to come up. She did, and we both were just being with him there. He seemed sorta agitated, but I felt he calmed when we were talking with him..

THEN shows up the other two.. finished all their errands, and Nicole visibly pissed that I was there and I assume mad b/c I hadn't called them. I am sorry, but my agenda was not to tidy up loose ends, it was to be with my Dad... but that apparently is not allowed.

B/c after a bit of them talking to Dad the conversation turned to the discussions Randy had with a realtor that day... Carole almost imediately left... And in her defense I don't blame her, it was her home they were talking about selling,, how heartlesss.. Dad laying there on his deathbed.. So after she left, I (what I thought was calmly) said I don't want to talk about this right now, I am tired..

Randy instantly blew up at me saying 'we are all tired, but this stuff needs to be dealt with'..

that started a flurry of arguing with Randy and Nicole berating me, Randy saying I was feeling sorry for myself etc...... THANK GOD my best friend Rob showed up b/c I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't..
My god my Dad was there dying, and here we are his 3 kids yelling in his room.. Rob took me out of the hospital and downstairs.. thank you again Rob for being there, like I said, I never felt so alone in my life as I did that day in the hospital.. Love you for it forever.

I went back to the house, and again for the second time in my day I came in bawling.. Told Carole as best I could what happened... then about 30 mins later I see my sister calling my cell. I of course don't answer. She leaves a message. 'Dad just passed'

Fabulous.. the last thing Dad hears from me is yelling.. And I wasn't there when he left.. I will never forgive them for what they took from me that day. Never.

They left the next day to catch their flight.. of course, their own life beckins. I stayed behind a couple more days to sort some stuff out,plus to wait on better weather for the drive.
Before I left Rob and I were discussing me coming back in the summer to have a little goodbye to Dad.>Informal b/c he had explicitly stated he did not want a memorial, nothing .. He was cremated as his wishes, and I had asked him last year when he told me this what to do with the ashes, He said very eloquently,'I don't care, throw them out'

SO this comment that I had made casually to Carole that I would be coming out to toast dad in the summer, somehow turned into that 'I" was coming back to have a family memorial... this started the latest shit show of the year.

I had suggested that we put some of his ashes out in his parents graves, I thought it would be a fitting end to have him placed there, since he didn't want a grave or anything.. My brother and sister were fine with the suggestion but had also made it clear they were not coming back to PA for any burial, I was fine with that since my plans were for me and Rob to go out and toast Dad with a beer, and remember the good times..

I wish I never would have mentioned this b/c this set some bizarre expectation that I was planning a family memorial.. My dad's brothers and Carole are old school and I guess they all wanted a service.. well Carole knew damn well Dad didn't want that, and that wasn't what my plans were about. IT was about my closure..

I have no idea what was said to all my Dad's family over the last few months from Carole, but they were asking all the time when I was coming out, when was the memorial/funeral etc..

I had called Carole in the beginning of August to say I had plans to come out to bring the ashes back for the buriel.( (I had arranged to have them put in my Grandparents plots at the old cementary by the homestead)..

I said that I was not planning a family thing, ie didnt want to have the whole clan there, just wanted to say my goodbyes> ( I should also add that b/c my Brother and sister didn't want to waste any of their summer weekends and weren't coming out, my mom had offered to drive out with me for support.)

I had said that if Carole wanted to be there when they were placed, she could, but the rest of the family could come out after to say their goodbyes.. Well she flipped out.. Saying that the brothers were family , and they needed their closure.. plus she freaked when she heard my mom was coming with me.. saying 'She is the EX'.....

I said, "you know what Dad's wishes were, and I am not going against them.. and if she wanted to have a memorial tea or whatever, she should stand up and do it' B/c at this point Carole had done NOTHING with helping us.. NOTHING. just whining and feeeling sorry for herself..

Well that set her off. She hung up on me, and called god knows who to say that 'Michelle' doesn't want the family there'.. My Auntie Joan was pissed at me.. it was freaking ridiculous..

After I talked to Joan, I called Carole the next day and told her that I was not coming out. That this mess was ridiculous.. SHe asked when I was coming out and I said I dind't know..

Forgot to mention that B/c of course Randy and Nicole had brought the ashes back with them after they had gone out to bring back some of Dad's stuff in April.. THey dumped the stuff in my garage, and then handed me Dad's ashes in the Winners urn to deal with. So I had Dad sitting in my closet since then.. The main reason they brought them back was b/c Carole didn't want anything to do with the ashes, and they didn't want to leave him at the funeral home.. anyways, so I was the ash holder..

B/c of this it was now my responsibility to bring the ashes back to Sask for all of them to have closure.. is this making any sense to anyone, probably not b/c I am just typing all this out like verbal diarhea.. lol stay with me I will try to be clearer..

SO now the timeline is the 2nd week of August. My family in Sask hates me, Apparently Carole is no longer accepting communications from me. I found this out from my brother who got a letter with the house keys, and the message that she will only speak to Nicole or Randy..(ask me if I am upset about that).

I am still on holidays, and on Monday morning I wake up and decide I need to take Dad home.. But on my terms,

SO that day I head out to a stone yard to find a piece of stone that I can make into his Marker for the grave. I spend hours engraving it with the electric pencil that he used to write his name on everyone of his tools. It seemed appropriate to use this to write his name a last time..

The next day Tuesday, I pack up the ashes (transfered from the tacky urn to an antique Nabob coffee jar from the 30's.. it seemed fitting that he be placed in a coffee jar) and head back to SK.. I didn't tell my brother I was going, b/c really why. He wouldn't care. I did see Nicole before I left to show her the marker, she thought it was nice, but of course was upset that I didn't put her name on the back of it.. I had wrote without really thinking Love Michelle on the back the night before, and she felt her's and Randy's names should be on it too.. REALLY? OK you two wanted nothing to do with this, now you are mad b/c I didn't put your fucking name on the marker? I don't think so....... Jesus..

Ok where was I.. Yes I drove out to Prince Albert (900km) on the Tuesday, made it to the cemetery as the sun was going down, and said my goodbyes.. I had made arrangements with my Aunt Joan that I would bring the ashes out for them to have their memorial, but I was going to go out on my own first and say my goodbyes, sprinkle some ashes and place my Marker that I had made.

After that I stopped in at Eddy and Joans place to give them the ashes etc.. Told them the marker was there, and that they could have their service when they were ready.

I said my goodbyes . Probably the last time I will see them. I am glad I stopped in to see them, we mended things, and I think all things are good .. though can't be sure b/c Carole is still spewing crap about me out there..

I left the next morning after checking in on the house to come home.. Was the longest 2 days in my life.. But I am glad that I did it..

I heard from my Sister that 2 weekends ago they had the family service.. About 30 people came.> I am sure Carole completely trashed us kids for not being there, but whatever. I did what Dad wanted, I know that . She knows that..

There is still crap spewing from Carole, I will post again another day to fill yall in on that.. I am out of words right now..

Sigh.

Well that was the closing of a big chapter in my life.. The loss of my Dad has been the hardest thing I have faced. I have also closed a chapter with my Brother.. he is not worth the negative energy.. My sister an I have repaired somewhat what happened, but it is still sensitive, fragile.

Right now I just feel sort of alone and empty.. Phone doesn't ring anymore. My ally against the rest of the family is gone.. I miss him terribly.. I Know it will get easier.. God I hope so.